Raising Kids in the 21st Century

Presenter: Marcia E. Williams, Nickelodeon, New York

This session is presented in separate parts. Use the buttons at the end of the transcription to navigate between each part.

Part Two

MARCIA WILLIAMS: Okay, here’s my first little interactive slide. I do want you to wager a guess. There’s nothing at stake. I’m not going to grade you. Do Gen X moms and dads share household responsibilities more equally than do Boomer moms and dads? What do you think? True or false?

[Audience response]

You guys are good. It is false. And the reason we put this in here is because there’s this assumption. Certainly, if you listen to the Xers, oh, there’s a lot of talk about things being equal, things being more equal than the prior generation. It’s just talk. I’m telling you. We asked the moms and we asked the dads, and we took the percentage of dads who said, “She does,” the moms who said, “I do,” every configuration. No matter if you’re a Boomer or an Xer, the women are still carrying more responsibility at home, especially for things like preparing meals, keeping the house clean, and taking care of the kids.

So we listened to them, we looked at the numbers, we visited homes. We came up with this diagram to represent what we were hearing as the ideal balance of the five most important roles that parents play. What’s interesting about this slide, what I want you to keep in mind is, on this diagram, the role of the parent is the same size circle as spouse/partner. Same sizes overlapping about 50 percent. This is the ideal, there’s equally shared responsibility for being a parent, there’s plenty of time to be with your spouse independent of your parent role, and then you’ve got this sizeable world of individual, a big of chunk of which exists outside of everything else. And what this represents is, ideally, I can be a parent, I can be a wife or a husband, I have time to go play racquetball, I can do all those things that I want to do for myself. Household monitor — kind of keeping everything coordinated. It’s a smaller role. Wage-earner, sure, it overlaps with other things, but then there’s also part of it that’s separate from being an individual. This is what we were hearing was the ideal balance.

Guess what? It’s just an ideal. We were hearing from these parents that the role of parents is not only the most important, it’s also the most demanding. These kids are 100 percent dependent on you and the younger they are, the more dependent they are. Being a parent means being on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Eleven o’clock at night comes, you know that child has been to sleep for a couple of hours, you can breathe a big sigh of relief, but guess what, if she gets up and wants something, you have to respond. You can’t just completely pretend that that’s not happening. Likewise, you get up in the morning and drop your child off at day care, or you drop him off at school, you go to your job. If the phone rings, he’s got a fever, looks like he’s got pink eye, you have to come and get him. You have to do something. So even in those times when it seems this is where they are, this is where I am, you’re still on call.

And finally, and maybe most importantly, as one of the moms articulated so well in one of the focus groups, there’s no manual. She said, “Even on my job, if I mess up, or if I go astray, I have a boss to say, get back over here. Do it this way. Try this.” She said, “At home, I’m on my own. There is no manual.” So there are some of the reasons why that ideal balance of roles looks more like this in reality. The role of the parent is huge; everything else is smaller and pushed to the side. Look what happened to the role of the individual. Not only is it tiny; there’s no part of it that exists outside of everything else. This is what we were hearing, and this is one of my favorite quotes. One of the moms said, “I’m not Cathy. I’m either Danielle’s mom or I’m Bethany’s mom.”

Okay, true or false: Boomer parents are more likely than Gen X parents to believe they’ve made a lot of sacrifices in raising their kids.

[Audience response]

It is false.

[Audience comment]

Gen Xers are more selfish. I won’t comment. It is false. We asked them on a 10-point scale, where 10 is “strongly agree” and 1 is “strongly disagree,” and these numbers represent the percentage who said 8, 9, or 10 — 73 percent, nearly three-quarter of the Gen Xers said 8, 9, or 10, I’ve made a lot of sacrifices in raising my kids. And the areas in which they say sacrifices were made — they look virtually the same, except in two key areas. Gen Xers were way more likely than Boomers to say they’ve made sacrifices in their career and sacrifices in their education. We think what might be going here is, you’ve got Baby Boomers who are in their 40s and early 50s who were less likely to have peers who were in graduate school or peers who are making these big risky career changes than the Gen Xers who are in the late 20s or early 30s when it’s a little bit safer to do that.

So big conclusion number one — and this will come as no surprise to those of you who raised your hand saying I’m raising kids at home — parents are overscheduled. Forget about what you see on the cover of Time and Newsweek about kids being overscheduled and running here and running there. How are they getting there? Guess what? They’re getting there because you’re taking them. Parents are overscheduled. They’re juggling many roles and responsibilities and they’re trying to keep everything up in the air. One of the Gen X moms in one of the focus groups — and actually, the focus groups put the moms at the end. They were more like therapy sessions. They would talking a shouting, and then sometimes the moderator could just sit for 10 minutes and not say a word. They kept things going. In one of the groups, an ice storm in Kansas City. It was treacherous. I was thinking, no one’s going to be there. I got there with the moderator and there were five moms there. I couldn’t believe it. It was treacherous. And they didn’t want to leave. So there’s another group allegedly coming in and only two moms, two Baby Boomers, and five Gen Xers. What does that say? Finally, okay, you really have to go. Thank you so much for coming. One of them came back to say, “I was thinking, it would be a really good idea if maybe six months from now we could have a reunion focus group.” They were really into it. But this one woman started, “I used to take a bath and just sit in there with my glass of wine …” and they were all going with her. It was like a Calgon commercial. “Sit in there with my glass of wine. And now, forget it. Those were such good old days. The bathtub is half full and the kids are calling her.” Another one was saying, “My husband thinks I’m crazy because I schedule play dates. Whoever heard of scheduling time to play? But that’s what it’s come to because the parents are overscheduled.

[Audience comment]

So are the kids. But you know what? There are some kids that are overscheduled. The numbers are probably less than 40 percent for 12 to 14, and maybe 30 percent. We consistently ask, do you wish you had more things to do or less things to do? And the overwhelming majority continue to say, I wish I had more to do. They come home from school — through the Neilsen ratings we can monitor who’s watching television and when, and we see that very few people are watching television until about 3:30. Bing, the numbers go through the roof. So we know they’re coming home and turning on the TV, and even though we’re from television, I am not going to put that on one of the things that overschedules them, watching television. That is pure leisure, recreational. And we know that huge numbers come home and do that.

How do these parents deal with all of these responsibilities? Okay, this is an important slide. We identified four priorities. We concluded this, after all the research that we did. And they’re not numbered for a reason, because at any given moment one priority might be more important than the other. But they are priorities. “Make my life easier.” “Make my kids happy.” “Raise my kids to be good people,” however each household defines being a good person. And then, “Live within my budget.”

In terms of “Make my life easier,” this was important because we were hearing, if things are going smoothly, I can get more done. There’s little or no more conflict in home. More time for myself — remember the size of that individual circle, which was very tiny. My life is easy, I can actually take a few minutes more for myself and my stress level is lower.

“Make my kids happy.” I think is fascinating because we study this study up with a separate study — of parents of 3- to 7-year-olds — and we were really fascinated with this whole notion of “making my kids happy” as it differs from having happy kids. “Making my kids happy” is like I’m taking responsibility for my kids’ happiness. I’m doing things to make them happy. And 88 percent of these parents of 3- to 7-year-olds said “Making my kids happy” was a key element of a successful life.

This will play out in different ways as I go through the presentation. But parents were saying, when my kids are happy, I’m happy. I feel good about myself as a parent when I see that smile on his face or that smile on her face and I know I’ve done something to get that smile. My kids will love me, or my kids will love me more, or my kids will be more confident. They associate happiness with confidence, and confidence is something they all value.

“Raising my kids to be good people.” When are my kids are good people, it will reflect positively back on me. I hear all the great stories from the teacher: Oh, he’s so cooperative. Oh, she raises her hand. All of those things that really make them feel proud of their kids and feel like they’re doing a good job raising their kids. My kids are good people. They will be successful. They’ll one day make a positive contribution to society.

“Living within financial means.” We all know this one. If I live within my budget, there’s less stress or worry. There’s less conflict. I don’t have run away from the phone. I don’t have to use my caller ID to block all those calls saying, where’s your payment? Greater peace of mind and a greater sense of control.

True or false? I want to hear from you guys. Xer parents worry more about money than do Boomer parents. What do you think? Xer parents worry more about money than do Boomer parents. Why? Remember up front I showed you, they have more money. They’re making less because they haven’t been in the workforce as long. These are some of the top sources of stress among the Boomers and the Xers. Significantly more Xers say they worry about money than Boomers.

World events was interesting? Remember we collected this data on December 2001, just a couple of months after September 11, and we found that moms were more significantly more likely to say world events were a source of stress than dads were, which is an interesting take on things.

Another one of my favorite moments in the focus groups: What are some are some of your most cherished moments with your kids? Such sweetness. Snuggling together to watch TV or a movie. Watching my kids succeed at something, especially if they’ve been working at it for a while. Going to the Tiquando class and see the school play, those kinds of things. There were really kind of heartwarming moments. When your child tells you she loves you or she loves you. These were some of the things that were coming up as the most cherished moments. Watching them when they’re asleep was a common one. There’s shared intimacy here, pride, self-confidence, quiet and peaceful, and most importantly, there are no demands being made on the parents. I’m sitting back and I’m taking in; I’m not giving out.

Most challenging moments. Most of this was about discipline. Disciplining the kids. Settling the disputes and the squabbles. Listening to the disputes and the squabbles. Setting limits, being firm. This is about exercising your power, exercising authority, making the kids mad or upset. Remember, I said making the kids happy was a priority. When you have to discipline them or set a limit, guess what — they’re not going to like you very much at that moment, and that’s a big challenge for a lot of these parents.

Then, of course, getting everything done. What I want you to remember from this session, parents — especially moms, because they’re doing more at home — are overscheduled. They take the role of a parent very seriously. Unfortunately, their individual time is usually the first to be sacrificed when all of the demands come in, and they use those four key priorities to manage day to day, to stay sane, to keep their kids on track, and so on.

Power struggles — one of my favorite sections. One of the biggest challenges we were hearing — parents’ authority, kids’ demands, or kids’ requests for autonomy. We heard from these parents how important empowerment is. If I empower my kids, I’ll help them to become better adjusted. I’ll help them become independent adults, more responsible, and so on. And then we start hearing these other things. Sometimes I let my kids have control because it’s just easier, because I just can’t deal with it. Just let them decide. We’re hearing, sometimes I let my kids make the decisions, I give them power because I feel so guilty — they’ve been in day care for 10 hours a day. Or, ever since she was six months old I’ve been working and I’ve missed the plays and I’m going to miss the soccer games and on and on. A lot of it is, I feel guilty, therefore I’m going to let you have this privilege of power. And then, for some parents, it just feels more comfortable. They’re just uncomfortable recognizing that they’re in charge, they’re ultimately responsible.

When kids want something — and some of you might have already figured this out — they’re more than likely to dwell on the short term and the concrete. I’ll wear it every day. I’ll use it every day. I’ll play with it every day. Everybody else has it. It’s just down the street, I can see her house from the window — why can’t I go? That kind of thing. The parents have to have a broader perspective. They really need to think beyond that immediate to those long-term consequences and more abstract factors. A lot of it comes from experience. I know she’s going to be bored with it in three days. Am I creating a monster by giving in all the time? This is the big question.

Given all of these demands, kids requests for power and control, within broad parameters. We found that parents tend to let their kids decide these kinds of things — what they’re going to wear, what to eat for breakfast or lunch, what they eat for a snack, how to wear their hair, what to watch on TV, who their friends are, what they do in their spare time. They kind of said, you guys decide all these things. Parents still maintain control over things like when the kids go to bed, where they go to school, and yes, you’re doing your homework, major household purchases, religious involvement. These are some of the things that parents still control.

Then there’s this huge gray area in between — joint decisions. And many of these joint decisions are what lead to these huge power struggles. And a lot of these are related to spending money, you’ll notice. Packaged foods, health and beauty aids, birthday parties. In one of the in-home ethnographies, we had six hours with these families, and we wanted to make sure that that time included either a meal time or a shopping experience or both. One of the researchers was in a home in Westchester, and there was a four-year-old and a seven-year-old girl. The seven-year-old girl had been invited to a birthday party, so the shopping experience was going with her to buy a gift to take to this birthday party. The four-year-old was about to turn five, and he was telling the researcher, “I’m going to be five soon. I’m going to have a big birthday party at Playtime,” which is kind of like a Discovery Zone. And his mom was saying, “No you’re not.” And he said, “We’re going to Playtime, and I’m bringing my whole class.” And the mom says, “No you’re not. No you’re not.” And the four-year-old is just going on, we’re going to do this, and we going to do that. No you’re not, no you’re not. Four years old. And then finally, the mother starts to get embarrassed because it’s unending. She just says, “Remember, we talked about this. We don’t have the money to go to playtime. You’re having a few friends over, and we’re going to play…” And he says, “No, I’m going to Playtime.” And she says, “Do you have the money to pay for Playtime?” And he says, “I’ll pay for it. I have my own money.” You know how it plays out. He runs in, he gets a little box, he shakes it out, he’s got a dollar and 45 cents.

What was most interesting was how long this went on with this four-year-old dictating how he was going to celebrate his birthday. Four. These are what I mean by joint decisionmakings, huge power struggle. Other areas — nowhere does this power struggle seem to be played out more than at the dinner table. It came as a big surprise to us, because we didn’t hear it when we were talking to the moms and dads before the survey. We heard it when we set the moms together afterwards. What kids eat for dinner. I don’t have any children. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about this, because there was a lot of stress in these focus groups around dinner. Some of the moms were saying, I’m at work, I’m working away, all of a sudden, my eyes look at the clock and I see it’s 4:30, and I feel the stress start to rise, and I’m thinking, what am I going to make for dinner? I couldn’t believe it. There were other moms, very few, and I’m sitting in the groups and I’m listening to these stories, and I’m thinking, what in the world has happened? We ended up creating four key scenarios to describe this whole power struggle with dinner.

Scenario one: One meal is prepared, everybody eats it. As one of the moms said in a focus, at this point in time, I am not a short-order cook. One meal, everyone eats it. Very few parents there. Or the majority of the parents who are in scenario one are eating fish sticks and macaroni and cheese every day. They’ve given up on what they want. It’s just easier to make one meal and let the kids have what they want and everybody’s got to eat that.

Scenario two: One meal is prepared, and the parents struggle to make the kids eat it. This is where the power struggle is the worst and these moms are freaking out. We sit there, the kids come in, they start the game. They start the struggle. Sometimes it’s we put one thing on the plate, you have to eat that, then you get the next thing on your plate. You all know this, I grew up doing this. You can’t leave the table until you eat your food. You can’t have your desert until you eat this or that. It was like the moms were saying, when you hear the threat come out of your mouth, you know you’re in trouble, because now you’re stuck at the table too. Because if you leave the table, the food’s going elsewhere. It’s not going to be eaten, but the kid wins and then you know you’ve lost, and so on. So they hear the words coming on, “You can’t leave the table till you’ve eaten,” and they’re stuck at the kitchen until eight or nine o’clock at night until somebody finally surrenders, and oftentimes it’s the parent.

Scenario three: Two meals are prepared, one for the parents and one for the kids. There’s a little more meal prep, maybe even more expensive, less convenience for the person who’s preparing the meals — but guess what? We can actually sit around the table like the Cleavers and talk about your day. The only problem with scenario three is when you have multiple kids in the house, it then leads to scenario four. The parents are eating one meal, and every kid at the table is eating something tailored to his or her taste. Three and four tend to be the more common scenarios. And we were shocked, because three and four are not the easiest thing for the person preparing that meal, but the struggle, the fight at the table in scenario two was so intense that a lot of these moms have figured out, guess what? I’m going to do this.

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