Raising Kids in the 21st Century

Presenter: Marcia E. Williams, Nickelodeon, New York

This session is presented in separate parts. Use the buttons at the end of the transcription to navigate between each part.

Part Three

MARCIA WILLIAMS: In another one of the in-home ethnographies, the meal was Sunday dinner. The mom had a five-month-old and was still nursing, a three-year-old that only ate packaged foods, and a seven-year-old who only ate frozen food. And the researcher, Maria, watched this woman make three different kids of macaroni and cheese. She had the frozen macaroni and cheese in the microwave for the seven-year-old who only ate frozen food. She had the boxed mac and cheese with the cute little character in it on the stove top, and then she was making the real stuff for herself and her husband. Never even acknowledged that this was what she was doing. It was just so a part of the routine. And then Maria said they sit down for this meal, and instead the seven-year-old is grumpy, she’s complaining because she doesn’t have a cute character to play with from the box while she’s eating her mac and cheese and her three-year-old sister’s playing… It’s kind of out of control. I try not to editorialize. I think that’s out of control.

Who wins in these power struggles? Not surprisingly, we come back to the four key priorities. Is it going to make my life easier to make three meals, or is it going to make my life easier to fight over the one meal? Is it going to make my child happy? You know what? Sometimes that child’s happiness wins out and you make him or her what he wants. There were a few moms who say, I can’t send them to bed without eating. What a horrible parent I would be. She’ll starve to death. One meal. She’ll starve to death. We’re really tied up in this whole happiness and being a good parent. Will it help raise my child to be a good person? Again, that whole, am I creating monster? Is this going to come back to haunt me next week when we go to my mother’s house for the big family meal and my child refuses to eat half of the stuff on the table? You know, that kind of thing. Can I afford three different kinds of macaroni and cheese? Can I afford to buy all of these extra meals?

And then there’s the wild card, the high stress level. If you have kids, they’ve learned how to read you. And if they haven’t learned how to read you, they’re learning. They watch you come home. They know. In a moment of stress, some kids will tell you, when my mother is stressed out, she says yes to everything, because she doesn’t even hear the question. Or, when my dad’s really stressed out, he says no to everything. It doesn’t even matter if I’m asking him if I can go brush my teeth. No. So they learn this, and they make it work to their advantage.

True or false: Boomer parents are more likely than Xer parents to believe that there are times when it’s appropriate to spank your kid. Believe it or not, it’s false. And you why it’s false? Gen X dads. Gen X dads, nothing personal, but I think you do a whole lot of talking and not a whole of acting. If you look at the different subgroups, the Gen X dads have the highest average score on this question than anyone. I think the number was something like 8.3 on a 10-point scale — strongly agree to strongly disagree. The reason that the Boomer parents were outnumbered on this question by the Xer parents was because there are significant numbers of Gen X dads who felt yes, there are times when it’s appropriate to spank their child. They’re not doing it, but they think that they could be or they should be. And in the focus groups it was very interesting to hear the frustration that these parents were expressing. I can’t hit him. I know I shouldn’t hit him, but he needs to be hit. Or, the Boomer dads were saying, with my 17-year-old, if he did that, I could smack him. That would be the end of it. My 12-year-old tells me, come on, hit me. I’m going to call the hotline and report you. They don’t know what to do with them.

On our nickjr.com website, one of the biggest of conversation among the dads is how to discipline your kids. They don’t know what to do. And we’re not talking about closet abuse by parents, we’re talking about a level of frustration that’s so great that they even hear themselves say things they didn’t think they believed in. But you know what, there are times when you just have to do it. And they’re not necessarily doing it, but they think that they should be.

True or false: Boomer parents are more likely than Xer parents to believe kids today are given too much freedom to make their own decisions. Another surprise. Let me tell you what this is about. The key part of this statement is “their own decisions.” Xer parents basically embrace joint decisionmaking, whether the outcome affects just the kid, the whole household, or just the parents. Let’s sit and talk about it. And that’s why this statement is false. The Boomer parents also think the kids are given too much freedom, but not to the degree that the Xer parents do.

Xer parents are more likely than Boomer parents to believe that kids should get an explanation when parents deny them something they want. Let’s hear it — true or false? Kids should get an explanation. True. Xer parents will sit, they will explain why to a much greater degree than the Boomer parents. As one of the dads in a focus group said, “With my first child, I would just say, No. And that was that. It was no. No because I said so.” And now he’s got a late lifer, this father who has grown kids has an 11-year-old, and he says, “We sit down and discuss it. I can’t believe I’m discussing it. My other kids can’t believe I’m discussing it. We sit down and we talk about it.” This is something that’s happened over time. This is all about that whole empowerment thing — I want you understand, I want you to see the logic.

True or false: Xer parents are more likely than Boomer parents to believe kids should have more input in family matters. I think I gave this one away. This one is true. One of the moms said, “We sit down at the dinner table. My son comes in, he pulls out the chair, and says okay, let’s negotiate.” She’s saying, yes it drives me crazy. But you know what, he’s got good negotiating skills and I’m thinking one day he’ll make a good lawyer. Managing power. Xers appear to be less comfortable with their authority and power as parents. Xers are more in favor of joint decisionmaking than Boomers, regardless of who’s most affected by that decision.

We think this is a function of what was going on when these Xers were coming of age, compared to when the Boomers were. Society was really going on about empowerment. Everybody should be empowered, everybody wanted to be empowered. [inaudible] Nickelodeon certainly rolled on the success of that. We came up with this Kids First grant, we have the Kids First brand, we actually broadcast them on our own. It’s all about giving kids a voice. Every four years, guess what, we have kids pick the president. It doesn’t matter, but we get them to vote anyway. And we always get press out of it. The kids picked this person. We get press because, surprise, surprise, they’ve been for five consecutive elections.

But it’s all about empowerment. Everyone should have a voice. Give the kids a voice. The Xers were coming of age when that was going on, and they really embraced. And if society hadn’t embraced it, we never would have succeeded as a brand. So we think this is one of the reasons why the Xers are less comfortable recognizing that “I’m in charge here, I have all of this power as a parent.” They’re less experienced as parents. You’ve got Baby Boomers who have might have had 6-11’s, might have even had a five-year-old, but they also have that that 15-year-old. They went through the years of the 15-year-old saying “I hate you” and storming off. And then, guess what, he’s over in two hours and he’s back and everything’s normal. We’ve got these Xer parents who don’t have those older kids and they’ve got the eight-year-old who says “I hate you,” and they’re devastated.

I work with someone, and he was depressed for a week. He left the message on his machine with son saying, “I hate you.” The son was late, he was making the dad late for work. “I’m leaving at 8 o’clock,” he said, and finally got up the nerve to leave him. The kid calls his voice mail work and says, “I hate you.” He left it on his voice mail for a week. Listen to this. “My son, he called me and said I hate you.” Get over it. He’ll be over it next time he wants something.

What is does this mean? Ka-ching. That’s what it means. It means ka-ching. Parents ask their kids opinions about products they buy for the kids. More than half, 70 percent, are asking the kid’s opinion about something they’re buying for the family. More than a third are asking the kids’ opinions about products the parents are buying for themselves. Ka-ching. Kids are asking for stuff and they’re getting it at the mall, they’re getting it at the supermarket, they’re getting it at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target — more than half of them.

So this is one of my marketing slides, but I left it in to make a point. You don’t know need to read the letters at the bottom, all you need to see is the greenish bar represents the percentages of kids who say, I had influence over my mom buying that. The red bar is mom saying, my kids influence my purchase of that. What you can see is that in every instance, the moms are agreeing with the kids or even giving the kids more credit for that thing that ended up in the shopping cart. I’m buying what my kids want. That’s what that says. I’m buying what they want in food and beverage. I’m buying what they want in health and beauty aids. Shampoo, facial cleansers, hair care products, and so on. Kids are saying, yes, I influenced the decision. Mom saying, oh yeah, I bought it because she wanted it.

So, remember. Power struggles can really take a toll. Parents wrestle with these decisions. The key is to find the right balance between when to give in, when to say no. They give in. They let their kids have control in those areas that are less consequential. You know what? It’s not going to compromise my value system if he shaved this crazy pattern onto his head. In one of my ethnographies, the kids are setting, and their 10-year-olds, they’re 11-year-olds, they’ve got these funky haircuts, and their dad’s saying, I gave them the money, sent them to the barber shop. It’s not my head. Parents maintain control in some areas, and there’s a whole gray area in between where the power struggles take place. And then remember those four priorities help parents resolve these power struggles in many instances.

Quick word about television. Television and the four priorities. These are some of the ways you see this played out in day-to-day life. How does television help parents make their life easier? They use it as a babysitter. They put another one in the house so the kids aren’t fighting over what to watch. Or they put another one in the house so they don’t have to endure “Spongebob.” They can watch something else. They use it as a bribe. They use it as a reward — when all your homework’s done, you can sit down and you can watch it.

How does television make their kids happy? Well, I’ve got cable, I’ve got satellite, I upgraded, I’ve the satellite dish, I’ve got digital. More options for my kids. Again, multiple TVs in the household. Okay, I let her have a TV in her bedroom. It makes my life so easy, and it makes her happy. She can watch what she wants when she wants.

Raising the kids to be good people is not as easy. That might be about the parent playing bad cop. You don’t want to have to put a limit. I had to take away. I had to take away the cable, that kind of thing. Or, I have to sit down and watch it with them. I have to make sure they understand what this is about, and they aren’t walking away with the wrong message, and so on.

Living within financial means is very interesting. This may mean yes cable or no cable. Yes another TV, no another TV. I did a home ethnography in Kansas City with an African American household with a household income of about $35,000. Two kids in the house, a 10-year-old and an 11-year-old, the parents, second marriage for both of them, and a son from one of the prior marriages who was in his late 30s and had severe, severe developmental delays. They had six televisions, six VCRs, three DVD players, cable, and satellite. This was the most wired house I had ever been into. And when I first walked into the house, they had the football game on the big screen TV and they had the stereo on. So I walked in and I didn’t know what I should be listening to. Everything was going. This is pretty common in low-income houses, to see media that you don’t expect to see. To drive impoverished neighborhoods and see the satellite dishes.

This is a pattern that we see consistently in lower-income households, where they choose in-home media because it’s less expensive than the more upper-income households that can choose to go to see live sporting events and pay the 20 bucks a ticket, take four or five people, go to the movies. Those are expensive outings for families, and when you can’t afford it, you know what? That one-time purchase of that DVD player is a lot less expensive, and that’s why you’re more likely to see this. So living within financial means can actually mean a lot more in terms of in-home technology than their counterparts who have more money, but in the end they really believe it’s less expensive — and in many instances it is, compared to some of those out-of-home leisure choices.

True or false: Xer parents have much more favorable opinions about Nickelodeon than Boomers. Yes, this is my pro-Nick slide. The answer is true. When you ask on an unaided basis, what channels do you approve of your kids watching? Boomers and Xers will name Nickelodeon, but significantly more Xers than Boomers. They will also name it as their favorite channel for their child. See he good I am? I’m skipping all over the pro-Nick stuff.

Something to keep in mind, though. Objectionable content, regardless of what it looks like or where it comes from — parents do not want to have to play bad cop. They have their hands full trying to discipline the kids. Don’t try to make they play bad cop by, you can’t watch that, you can’t have that. It makes the kids unhappy. It makes the parents feel bad and may alienate parents from the brand. We had this one woman in a focus group who went on and on about Britney Spears and her household. They came to be anti-Britney Spears by mistake. Her five-year-old wanted a Britney Spears doll. How cute that was. Grandma said, oh, she loves Britney Spears, and grandma went out and bought the Britney Spears tour bus. And then Britney decided to just rip it all off and make all these risqué and different videos, and now the family’s horrified the daughter wants the CDs, and it’s such this ongoing struggle. So now everybody but the five-year-old’s anti-Britney Spears. This is what I mean by objectionable content.

Move on to licensed products. Remember before when I was saying ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching? Gen Xers are more willing to licensed products than Boomer parents are. True. I skipped ahead on that one. Every category that we asked them about — significantly more Xers than Boomers are willing to buy licensed products — the ones with the little kid characters on them — in all of those categories. They’re also more likely than Boomers to have bought the licensed stuff in the past six months. Unless you think that’s a small area, everybody has it, regardless of where they live, Boomers and Xers. If they’re kids in the home, then there are characters there on licensed stuff — food, shoes, backpacks, shampoos, it’s everywhere. It’s a big business and a lot of people. And when it come to buying this stuff, kids don’t buy toys and games, the things they don’t have to have. There’s more leisure things. Parents are also more likely to buy the licensed stuff because of the function. She’s got to brush her teeth anyway. Maybe I don’t have to fight with her to do it if she’s got the little Barbie toothpaste. Or, he hates having his hair washed. But what give him that tube with Scooby-Do on it he jumps in the tub. Guess what? They’re more willing to buy the stuff if it costs more money. If they’re going to eat it, versus not eating the peanut and jelly, then I buy it because it makes my life easier. Makes the parent’s life easier. And it’s a cheaper win with the kids.

So we’ve got the four priorities. These are the leisure things that the kids are going to [inaudible] for. The logic of buying it because it serves a function. I won’t go through the whole thing because you’re not marketers, but it essentially ends the power struggle over the meal. The three-year-old playing with the mac and cheese box . She’s happy, she’s eating, there’s no fight at the table. Makes the kids feel special. It’s better than the generic in making the kids happy. As one couple said, we come home in the grocery story, and my sons like he knows, this is not mom’s or dad’s apple juice, this is my apple juice. It’s in a cute little box with a straw on the side and it’s got a character on it. It’s a cheap win. It makes the kids feel special.

One other thing I want to say about this. When there’s a functional category — in terms of financial need, this is money I have to spend anyway. I have to buy this stuff anyway. I don’t have to buy the action figures, I don’t have to buy the toys. I have to buy this. Where there are kids, there are licensed products. Parents are more likely to purchase the things in categories that serve a function, and they’re more likely to buy products from a brand they feel good about.

Now I’m about to ask you guys to start thinking. I’ve given you a lot of information here. Parents are overscheduled, constantly trying to get things done. They have very little time to themselves and a great deal of concern about the quality of their decisions. Am I being too indulgent? Am I being too strict? They’re picking their battles, and they’re making decisions based on those four key priorities. On the marketing side, from the media side, Gen X parents present our greatest opportunity. And these are the reasons why, but these are some of the things that also have the biggest implications for you as educators. For those kids who walk into your school who go into that classroom. At home they’ve got parents who place a great value on making them happy. At home they’ve got parents that really think that they should all sit down at the table and decide what kind of car mom and dad are going to buy. They’ve got parents who are more susceptible to the nag factor, and they’ve got parents that more willing and are buying more cute character-driven stuff.

So what happens when they come into your school? Where are there opportunities for you? Where do these kids of Gen Xers present challenges for you?

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